Profound hatred of Man

People are jerks sometimes. So i mixed the new with the old. It wasn't planned. She just stopped by my job, and it is hard for me to say goodbye to her, so i brought her with me. I knew i was asking for some trouble, but i didn't think she would make a scene like she did. Other than that my evening was wonderful. I got to spend time with "Default" Josh, Chon Lee, Matt, Ths Isons, and Jessica(i guess now i can post her name cause everyone that reads this knows it.) I got to eat too much food, play some halo 2, and hang out with friends.

I just really wish things where different. I don't want to be the cause of any heartache or pain. I do understand that sometimes it is unavoidable. I have thought about withdrawing myself fromt the group altogether, but everytime i hang out with them it is difficult to do that. I am all talk(well all thought really) when it comes to that. Not that i haven't completely cut some people out of my life, but they have done things to deserve it. It is part of my emotional barriers, so poeple aren't too close to me. I might need professional help.

I'm heaven sent, don't you dare forget.

I'm so gratful to have my girlfriend in my life. She is so easy to talk to. And she always seems to relax me. I love her so much.

If i could pen the words my mind would say

***WARNING: READ THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS IS A VERY PERSONAL BLOG AND MAY OFFEND SOME.***

I am truly blessed. I always believed myself to be doomed to suffer. Most of my childhood has involved pain and loss. I thought i would deal with the emptiness for the rest of my short life till i die, which i thought wouldn't be far off. Need less to say, but thoughts have changed. I now have a wonderful girl in my life who, for reasons unknown to me, cares deeply about me. She brings a happiness and meaning into my life that hasn't been there in years. The grim reaper that i often times longed for i don't want anymore. I want to experience life and all of its joys. I want to live again.

I gave her all of her christmas gifts. I think she liked them. Even the dorky one i maked for her. I know i don't need to buy her love or anything, but i just love showering her with gifts. She gave me a Millennium Falcon and a beautiful letter. Surprisingly the letter means more to me than the toy, though i love them both. She is the amazing one. I am blessed.

Let Us At Last Praise The Colonizers Of Dreams

I spoke with two of my exs yeaterday. It was the day of the ex. I spent time with the present girl yesterday too. She keeps trying to get information about her christmas gifts. I finally let it slip that i have seven small gifts, five larger gifts, and one very special one. I am sure she will like it all, but they aren't very special. Some of it she needs, some she wants, and the other is something she will enjoy. I keep trying to push her off track by telling her "i hope it survives to christmas" and whatnot. I don't think she really wants to know completely. I'm sure some of her wants to though. And i keep telling her she is going to ruin christmas, but i don't believe that. She has got me something. Actually she said two items. I told her like i told everyone, "i don't need anything." I am truthful when i say that. I am not like some people who say that and are then upset when they don't get anything. Most of the people around me don't have the expenses to spare, and i don't want them to feel they need to buy me anything.

Humans are weird creatures. Emotions are crazy things. I often feel i might be able to live life easier without emotions. Without being angry, sad, and hurt like we humans are a lot. But without emotions we also lose love, joy, and happiness. Not a far trade i would say. Though before a couple months ago i would have been all for it. Now i won't let go of my emotions for the world. Because i am finally using them.

When the urgency strikes you, you'd better not lose your nerve

Today is a day of mixed emotions. I, nervously, talked to my wonderful girlfriend about something very important last night with great success. I think i scared her more with the way i began it than with the actual topic. On a side note i was nervous like i am always with her. I feel completely comfrontable with her, i know i can tell her any and everything. I still get nervous at times. I think i believe i am going to do or say something that is going to scare her away. And if that happens i don't know what i would do.

I have been trying to repair communcation to my exgirlfriend. And well i found out today why they were down in the first place. She has discovered my present girl. I knew it was going to happen, but i didn't think she was going to be this upset about it. It is not like i am going to change anything for her, but i don't like her be hurt by it. I wanted to remain her friend, but if she is going to keep acting the way she does around me then i don't know if i can. Emotions are bastards sometimes. And i guess i am a heartbreaker after all, and that breaks my heart.

Why do your eyes paralyze me?

Life has gotten better. I am thrilled. I could really do for some positive news. And this week has been great. It started great and is going great. I am really blessed to have her. I wouldn't trade her for the world. To change the subject, i have been thinking about getting more piercings or somet tattoos. I don't think i will ever be done getting body mods. I really wish i had more money to spend on it. I am far from finish.

Involuntary Suicide Signal

I found something i can't share with my girlfriend. It tore me apart not being able to tell her, but i really don't want to tell her. It is something i brought apon myself. It isn't the end of the world either, though i wish it was. I have been running from this problem for way too long, it will be nice to not have it hanging over my head. It really isn't a massive huge deal, but it sure feels like it. Sometimes i just hate living, and feel like a failure. I don't think i am cut out for life. None of my life goals in high school have come even close to happening. This is a depressing blog entry. Well the one good thing is that there is nowhere to go but up. I hope i can't get any lower.

A Posthumous Publication of His Memories

Time is a tricky mistress. Depending on your mood it can crawl by or run by. This past two months have been sprinting by for me. Yet this time i don't want it to speed by. I have someone to actually spend my time with other than my xbox. I have spent too long alone. I really needed someone to consume my time. I am very gratful. It has been two months since i started seeing her, yet it feels like i have known her for longer. I have completely shared everything about me with her. I feel completely comfrontable with her. She truly accepts me. Even with my "strange" pet peeves, my Sasquatch height, boring goody-goody(i hate that term) lifestyle, lack of ambitions, tackle box face, obsession with star wars, my peter pan complex, and every other issue i have that makes me hate myself. But when i am with her i feel so alive. I am totally captivated by her. I just hope she doesn't realize how much a dork i am, and find some one better than me. But i still love her.

Good to Know That if I Ever Need Attention All I Have to Do Die

I have joined the group of millions that starts a blog, then quits writing in it only to swear to keep it up to date later. i doubt i will keep it up to date. Although my life has been pretty much boring recently i have a psrson in it to spice it up. She is an amazing and wonderful person. But i really can't talk about her cause she did want me to. So i don't think i will give her the url and just talk about her all i want. I am evil sometimes.